


You've Gotta Be Kitten Me

by fangs_for_the_memories



Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - All Media Types
Genre: F/F, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 18:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15734883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangs_for_the_memories/pseuds/fangs_for_the_memories
Summary: When Laura finds out an animal shelter meant to keep black cats safe is losing funding, she tries to help.  As time runs out, Carmilla decides to lend some assistance.  With a little twist.





	You've Gotta Be Kitten Me

“--I’m just saying, it’d go a long way for PR if Intrigue were to say, make a generous donation to this cat adoption agency.  Within the next twenty two hours. Didn’t you guys have that whole ‘animal testing’ scandal a few years back?” Laura says, cradling the phone between her shoulder and her ear as she digs through her bag for the keys.

“ _I understand what you’re saying, Laura,_ ” Perry sighs on the other end.  “ _But, I mean—two dozen cats? Where would we put them? And that’s a lot of money.  We haven’t even gotten the patent for LaFontaine’s newest invention approved yet, and that alone is--_ ”

Laura finds her keys and unlocks the door and her mouth drops open.  “Holy fur ball.”

Perry cuts herself off.  “ _What’s the matter?_ ”

When Laura doesn’t answer and continues gaping at the scene before her, Perry’s voice becomes more urgent.

“ _Laura_?”

“Uhm, I’ll call you back,” Laura rushes out before hanging up and slowly closing the door behind her.  “Carm?”

 

She steps further into the apartment and finds a note on the kitchen counter.

“ _Cupcake-_

_Had some spare money lying around. Don’t know what to do with all of them now?_

_-Carm._ ”

 

Laura’s eyes widen.  “Carm! D-Did you _adopt two dozen cats_?” she squeaks.

She turns to face a room filled with small black cats.  The apartment doors are closed to keep them all contained to one room.

Apparently Carmilla had also bought enough cat food to last them all quite a while, as well as various toys and posts.

Several cats are eating from food bowls, or drinking water.  Others are scratching at the posts, or swatting toys around. A small handful are lounging around, stretching or napping.

But no Carmilla.

 

 _Wait a minute_ …

 

She does a quick recount.  There are twenty- _five_ cats in the room.  She narrows her eyes.  “Carm… Did you turn yourself into a small black cat?  Coz I’ve visited that adoption agency a dozen times while working on this story trying to spread the word to raise funding so they don’t close down and there were definitely only twenty- _four_.”

None of the cats react and Laura smirks.

“Fine.  Guess I’ll have to do this by process of elimination.”

 

Laura scours the room.  “Well, you definitely aren’t one of the ones near the posts or the toys.  So you’re probably eating or sleeping.”

There’s an annoyed huff from a cat in the sunlight and Laura smirks, walking over and kneeling next to it.

“I’d recognize that jawline anywhere,” Laura teases, poking the cat in the paw.

Catmilla glares at Laura and draws her paw closer to herself.

“I’m joking.  You’re just the only one who could look that annoyed with me,” Laura giggles, watching as Catmilla seems satisfied with this and pushes herself to stand up, bumping her forehead against Laura’s hand with a purr.  Laura scratches her behind the ears and gives her a peck on the top of her head. “Did you do this so I can’t blame _just_ you for the hair everywhere?”

Catmilla averts her gaze guiltily and Laura rolls her eyes.  She walks over to the various shopping bags and is slowly trailed by Catmilla.

 

“That’s, uh, a lot of food,” Laura comments with a chuckle.  “You _do_ know that the plan was for Intrigue to pay for the cats as a _stalling_ tactic, right?  They weren’t gonna keep the cats indefinitely.  These cats aren’t gonna live with us forever.”

There’s a bunch of frantic mews from around the room and three cats even run over in worry, wrapping their paws around Laura’s legs.

“Carm!  Did you tell them they’re _living here forever?_ ”

Catmilla lets out an indignant “MAO” and Laura carefully pries the cats off her leg.

 

“Guys, I promise you’ll all be way happier living in loving homes than all together here with us,” Laura insists.

A small kitten waddles over and looks up sadly at Laura, whose shoulders slump forward.  Then she narrows her eyes in suspicion.

“You coached these cats, didn’t you?”

She swears she could hear Catmilla snickering.

“Would you cut it out!  You’re annoying enough already without an army of adorable furry minions at your disposal,” Laura snaps playfully.

She pats the kitten on the head and opens a bag of treats, giggling as kittens swarm over, promptly followed by the older cats.

 

Catmilla lingers behind and Laura kisses the top of her head. “You don’t want any?”

If a cat could shrug, Catmilla does.

The other cats seem to notice Catmilla’s absence and step back, parting a way for her to get to the treats. Laura laughs at this and gives her an encouraging light push. “Go on, Carm. Your posse is waiting.”

 

Catmilla struts forward and takes a few nibbles.  When the kittens join her, she lingers for a few seconds before stepping away.  The rest of the cats go to snack and Catmilla returns to Laura.

“My hero,” Laura jokes.  

Catmilla narrows her eyes in a glare and Laura laughs, scooping her up and placing her in her lap.

“Thanks for doing this, Carm.  Huge problem solved.”

 

“Huge problem,” a voice says as someone appears in the room in a cloud of black smoke.

All of the cats except for Catmilla yowl with a start and leap around the room, carrying Catmilla away from Laura in a sea of fur.

Sighing, she stands up.  “Yes, Mattie?”

Mattie, clad in an all-black outfit including a blazer, raises an eyebrow.  “You do realize I still blame you in part for my death, right? You and Lawrence aren’t after the hook, yet.  I don’t care how many years it’s been.”

Laura takes a deep breath.  “Yes, Mattie?” she repeats, more cheerfully.

 

“Where’s Carm?” Mattie frowns.  Her frown deepens as she scans the room. “Hollis.   _How lonely_ is my sister getting home alone now that she’s finished her PhD?”

“Ha. Ha,” Laura laughs sarcastically.  “I was investigating how a lot of animal shelters don’t let people adopt black cats around Halloween coz they’re afraid people will do horrible things like torture or sacrifice them.  This one animal shelter is closing down coz it lost funding and couldn’t get its black cats adopted before Halloween season and… apparently Carm paid for and adopted them all.”

Mattie narrows her eyes.  “Seriously? How much of a sap _is_ she?”  She groans in disgust.  “Anyway, this doesn’t answer my original question.  Where is she?”

 

Laura gestures at the room.  “You’re looking at her. Somewhere.”

Mattie gives her a befuddled look.

“Carm turned into a cat.  She got swept away when you poof-ed in.”

Mattie looks around the room.  “Fine, it’s probably better that way.”

 

She teleports without so much as a goodbye, leaving Laura standing there in confusion.

Laura turns to face the roomful of cats, huddled together against the wall.  Figuring Carmilla has to be in there somewhere, she huffs.

“Your sister gets weirder and weirder every time we see her.”

There’s a small mew of agreement in the corner of the room and Laura laughs.

 

Laura’s phone rings and she answers it.

“Hi, Perry!  Sorry, things got a little crazy here,” Laura says.  “Carm decided to adopt all the cats. So now we own twenty four of them. And then she thought it’d be _hilarious_ to shapeshift into one herself and blend in with them.”

She swears she could hear a snicker behind her.

“Well, joke’s on her coz she’s stuck like this for twelve hours.  Hope it was worth it.” Laura rolls her eyes. “And this won’t save you from having to clean your mess out of the shower tonight, Carm.”

A huff.

 

“ _Oh, okay,_ ” Perry replies.  “ _Well, LaFontaine and I just received an odd alert and passed it on to Mel and, uhm, Gertrude._ ”

“What was it?” Laura asks with a frown.

“ _It might be nothing,_ ” Perry clarifies.  “ _But_ \--”

 

The doorbell rings and Laura frowns.  “Why are we so popular today?” She peeks through the peephole and frowns when she doesn’t see anyone.

A worried mew comes from behind her and Laura laughs nervously.

“ _Laura?  You still there?_ ”

Laura double checks to make sure no one is outside.  She turns and shrugs. “Yeah, sorry, Perry. What were you—”

 

The front door slams open-- into Laura.  It knocks the phone out of her hands, and sends Laura flying into an end table with a grunt.  Two men dressed in heavy tactical vests and an arsenal of weapons step through the door and yank Laura to her feet.  One keeps a tight grip on her arm, while the other trains a large crossbow at her.

“The vampire.  Where is she?” he growls.

The cats are all watching them, backs raised.  Some are hissing.

Laura scowls.  “Damn, girl scouts are getting super aggressive these days.”

The man holding her tightens his grip on her, causing her to groan.

“FIne.  Thin mints, please,” Laura winces.

 

“You think this is a joke?” the other one snarls in her face.  “ _Where_ is the vampire?”

Laura gestures behind him and, for the first time, he notices all the cats in the room with them.

“Hello? First of all, vampires aren’t real and you’re a few months too early for Halloween.  Second, I’m a journalist who rescued two dozen cats about to be put into the street. You think I got room for a vampire?”  She scoffs. “Unless you mean that cat over there with some abnormally long and sharp teeth, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

The two guys look at each other, unsure.

Then the one holding Laura spots something.  “Matt! There! On the counter.”

“Way to use my name, _Spencer_ ,” Matt snaps on his way to the note.  He quickly scans it and smirks. “How odd.”

 

He brings it over to Spencer and Laura.

“Who’s Carm?”

Laura clenches her jaw and Matt clicks his tongue.

“I dunno, Spencer,” Matt sneers.  “Couldn’t possibly be a nickname for Carmilla Karnstein, who we were sent here to find… could it?”

Without hesitation, he backhands Laura so hard she sees stars.

“Don’t make me ask again.  Where is she.”

 

Blinking to try to clear her vision, Laura takes a deep breath.  “Who sent you?”

Matt laughs ruefully and punches her in the gut.  Laura groans and her knees give out, but Spencer holds her upright.

Almost all of the cats are hissing now, looking ready to pounce, but holding back for some reason.

 

“We ask the questions,” Spencer states.

“Where is Carmilla Karnstein?” Matt asks, training his crossbow at her kneecap.  “Going once… Going twice… G--”

One cat lets out a loud charging yowl and cacophony erupts.

 

Several adult cats grab onto Spencer, claws out and drawing blood.

A dozen kittens climb all over Matt, biting his hands and arms, or covering his eyes.

“Get off me, you crazy fur balls!” Matt screams, flinging kittens off him.

Spencer finally shoves Laura away as one cat slashes him across the arm and another leaves a deep gash on his hand.

 

Laura lands on the floor with a grunt, and the cat who instigated the attack, who had hung back, runs to her and lets out a worried meow.

“I take it back, Carm,” Laura groans as she takes in the sight before her of the cats keeping the attackers preoccupied. “You can keep your little army.”

Catmilla gives her a smug look, but her eyes are still filled with concern as Laura lets out a small cough.

 

The front door bursts open and Catmilla immediately faces the new person with a hiss.

Laura’s eyes widen.  “Mel?”

Mel bursts in, crossbow at the ready.  Then she lowers it and quirks an eyebrow upon seeing two large grown men wrestling with dozens of cats.  “Hollis, what the hell?”

Laura chuckles and pushes herself to stand up carefully, scooping up Catmilla in her arms.  “Carm adopted two dozen cats to help save me them when the shelter they were at lost funding.  She thought it’d be hilarious to turn into one herself. Then these two crazy people burst in and attacked me.”

 

“The cat!  The cat is the vampire!” Matt yells, throwing the last cat off of him and rushing for Laura, who manages to throw Catmilla out of her arms and gets tackled to the ground. Catmilla lands nimbly on her feet and immediately leaps at Matt, digging her claws in and biting down into his neck.

He howls in pain and Laura manages to free one arm, snapping her wrist up into his nose.  He reels back and shrugs Catmilla off of him, but it gives Laura the room to bring her knee up into his groin and elbow him in the throat.

 

Spencer finally manages to liberate himself and runs to help Matt, but Mel makes quick work of him by firing two arrows into his knees.  “Down, doggie,” she snarks as he falls with an agonized yell.

By now, Catmilla is slashing away at Matt’s legs and Laura delivers one final blow to his bleeding nose, rendering him unconscious.

Mel helps roll him off her and Laura stands, rubbing the back of her head.  Catmilla walks over with a worried mew, and Laura picks her up again.

“Well, I _was_ trying to get through to you and Raggedy Ann sooner and warn you that the Brotein shake and I heard about two vampire hunters in the area looking for Carmilla.  Apparently their group kills vampires and keep their fangs as trophies,” Mel explains, pulling out her phone.

 

“Ah.  Nothing a little Hollstein teaming up couldn’t handle, right, Carm?”

Catmilla purrs and snuggles up against Laura’s neck.

Mel gags.  “Sorry. Hairball.”

Laura struggles to hold onto Catmilla as she lunges at Mel with an annoyed glare.

 

* * *

 

Laura yawns as she walks into the living room and puts her cell phone down.  A cat perks up and walks over to her, curling up in her lap.

“Just spoke to Mel. She and Kirsch got the two hunters to the lock-up with no issues.  Interrogation on how to take down their group will begin soon.”

She leans down and kisses the top of the cat’s head.

 

“Wow. So unfaithful,” a voice comments dryly as the bathroom door opens.

Laura’s eyes widen.  “Carm!”

Carmilla chuckles as the other cat guiltily leaps off Laura’s lap. “All cats look alike to you?”

Laura grins sheepishly.  “I swear, I didn’t even check!”

“Mmhmm,” Carmilla hums, unconvinced.  “Damn, I spend all this money to help out the girl I love, and this is the thanks I get.”

Laura pouts.  “Caaaarm,” she whines.

Carmilla smirks and leans in for a kiss.

 

“Thank you,” Laura says sweetly and sincerely.  “I love you.”

Carmilla gives her another kiss.  “If only there was some way to show me how grateful you are...”

Before Laura can reply, a few cats come over and sit by their feet, staring up expectantly.

Laura giggles.  “Are you guys hungry?” she asks, standing up and heading for the food as Carmilla lets out a long sigh and rolls her eyes.

A bunch of kittens make their way over to the bowls and begin rolling around in anticipation.

“Seriously?” Carmilla asks, crossing her arms and making sure it’s her turn to pout.

Laura laughs.  “No good deed goes unpunished.”

 

A couple of cats and a few kittens go to Carmilla and pat her foot to get her attention.

“Oh, _no_ ,” Carmilla groans.  “I’m NOT eating first before you guys take your cue again.”

 

Laura walks over with a plate of cat food and a small spinach leaf on top as a garnishing.  “Your dinner, Carm.”

**Author's Note:**

> Based on [this prompt](https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/negovanliss/106221478530):  
> "headcanon where carmilla goes out to buy twenty black cats and releases them in their house and changes into a similar cat herself and when laura comes home she can’t find carmilla and now she owns twenty one cats"
> 
> I know this isn't the best I could've done-- I was rushing to write this in the past few weeks while being a construction manager in the field so time was limited. But I also really didn't want to miss my annual posting on my birthday / the Carmilla series's birthday! I hit the big 2-5 this year and it felt like it'd be a shame if I didn't post a little gift as thanks to the show and the fandom that helped get me to my twenty fifth year of life ^-^  
> Thanks for reading! Feel free to chat below or over yonder on [tumblr](http://romeo-oh-nomeo.tumblr.com/).  
> Stay awesome <3


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